Nobody knows why the f*ck Earth just rang like a bell

Nobody knows why the f*ck Earth just rang like a bell

Earth. It’s a planet shrouded in mysteries, wrapped up in enigmas, and enveloped in f**ken conundrums. While our greatest scientists work hard to get to the bottom of these seemingly unanswerable questions and hypothesise as to their origins, there will always be an unexplainable, an unfathomable, an unknowable side to our world that has c**ts everywhere scratching their heads and saying, “Yeah, nah, f**ked if I know what happened there, Baz.”

Today at Ozzy Man Reviews, we’ve got a case in point for you blokes and blokettes. Feast your f**ken eyeballs on this and tell us if you know what it was all about. Anyway, it looks like we’ve skipped a little context. Let’s rectify that. To begin with, seismic sensors got a bit cluey about an event occurring near an island between Madagascar and Africa. Shortly after, alarm bells in places as far-separated as Chile, New Zealand and Canada sounded the bloody alarum!

It centred here on the island of Mayotte. Credit: Cision

It centred here on the island of Mayotte. Credit: Cision

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world – almost to within a pubic hair’s width – f**ken Hawaii took a communal look up from their pineapple-topped pizzas and said, “What the f**k is going on here then?”

Short answer: No one bloody knows. Deadset, while the scientific consensus has fallen short of, “Hmmmm…maybe Godzilla, bro?” The labcoats are pointing out that they’re pretty bloody clueless.

Columbia University seismologist Göran Ekström told National Geographic, “It doesn’t mean that, in the end, the cause of them (the alarm bells and seismological events) is that exotic.” To that, we say it’s clearly time to panic. Grab the kids, chuck ‘em in the back of the ute and grab your bloody swag. The end is nigh.

Credit: Us Geological Survey

Credit: Us Geological Survey

Deadset, if the fact the mystery centres on the tiny island of Mayotte, halfway between Africa and Madagascar, doesn’t tell you anything, you clearly haven’t read enough conspiracy literature. This is how it starts, sheeple. This is how it always starts!

They’ve been plagued by earthquakes since May. Most have been minor, but the biggest — on May 8 — was the largest the island has ever recorded. At a magnitude of 5.8, it shook harder than an epileptic disco

Ekström, the fore-mentioned expert from Colorado uni, said the whole thing was ‘weird.’ Apparently, earthquakes usually register as short, sharp “cracks,” but in this instance, the whole planet rang like a bell.

Some organisations – like the French Geological Survey – think a new volcano might be forming off the coast of Mayotte and that the ‘weird’ ringing may be the result of magma moving 30-odd miles off the coast. GPS sensors have detected Mayotte has moved some 2 inches to the southeast in less than five months.

Ekström reckons it could have been caused by magma sloshing about inside a chamber, or being forced through a gap in subsurface rocks. But he doesn’t really have the foggiest.

Ekström looks pretty comfortable for a mn who knows we're on the brink of destruction. Credit: Colorado Uni

Ekström looks pretty comfortable for a man who knows we’re on the brink of destruction. Credit: Colorado Uni

Final thought: With these useless f**ken scientists clearly not science-ing hard enough, the only solution left to us rudimentary peasants is to assume the worst. I say we start by sacrificing the ones we love in an attempt to appease whatever giant cosmic horror clearly has us in its sights.

Just in case you missed it, here’s one of Ozzy’s latest commentary videos…Ozzy Man Reviews: Penguin Excursion