Amazon reviews for Haribo’s Sugar-Free Gummi Bears are the most brutal we’ve come across

Credit: Haribo

Amazon reviews for Haribo’s Sugar-Free Gummi Bears are the most brutal we’ve come across

We’ve spoken in the past about some of the best reviews on Amazon, and we’re firmly of the belief that a good one is a bloody art-form. Where those reviews end up getting written seems to be purely random, but once the zeitgeist kicks in, any product can find itself getting lampooned. Sometimes with good reason. Anyway, check out some of the best reviews for Haribo’s Sugar-Free Gummi Bears…

A quick disclaimer for you here: some of the best reviews are pretty f**ken long, so if you wanna check out the longer form ones, make sure you click through. You’ll laugh your arse off.

Credit: Amazon/Jordan Singleton

I was waiting in the Walmart check out line and looked to my left to find a pleasant surprise, a pack of Haribo Gummy bears somebody had dropped off and decided not to get. After trying to eat healthy for weeks, It was a sign, I needed those gummy bears! They needed me. So I decided to get them and ate the whole bag right before bed of course. A few hours later I woke up in the middle of the night because the bed was wet, I quickly realized I was the cause of the spill, I rushed to the bathroom and the fire hose exploded gushing for minutes. I cleaned up the mess and went back to bed, only for this unpleasant exposure to happen two more times during the night! On my third date with the throne around 5:30am, a thought exploded into my brain almost as intense as my bottom half all night, those gummy bears must have been sugar free! After cleaning everything up and on to our last set of sheets, I rummaged through the trash and found indeed that the whole bag of gummy bears I had eaten were sugar free! The reviews are true, If you need a good clean out, this product is for you.

Anyway, as the story goes, these lollies are somewhat famous for giving people a bad case of the runs. Yeah, nah, we can’t speak from experience, but these things are, apparently, more effective than any laxative.

Credit: Amazon/Athens Mahrt/Unknown

these hell bears totally lived up to the name gave them to one of my classmates he spent the whole day in the bathroom…. we all laughed

The perfect revenge candy!

Credit: Amazon/Daniel

Oh man, let me tell you, so I got my package not for my consumption but for the pure enjoyment factor for others to eat. I did have a few but not very many maybe like 5-10. I handed them out at work and one of my co-workers had moe than most. About 25% of the bag, the next morning when she came in she had the look of pure exhaustion and violation of her face lol, somebody had already told her the gummis were what caused it before I had come in that morning, she gave me “the look” if you have or are in an adult relationship, you know what that means. Needless to say I denied it like herpes. later that day she told me that while she was eating the gummis the bosses kids who were at the work place, wanted to join her in the deliciousness of gummi eating. When the boss seen his kidros chowing down on some gummis, his response was dont give them a sugar high, her response to the boss was, im not sir, they are sugar free, free. Lol the bosses next words were well then give all they want lmao. So she did she gave them and they killed the remaining 3/ 4 of the bag. I instantly stopped her, are you for real right now?!?! Then I remembered thankfully the boss flew out that evening on business. So I wasnt sure or not if he put the 2 together, thankfully thiscwas the end of it.

Thankfully, those who do speak from experience have seen fit to warn us. Some have painted that experience as a positive. Others have shared just how s**t their experience was.

Credit: Amazon/Dexter

My friend hasn’t been practicing social distancing during the pandemic, so I bought him a bag of these gummies for his birthday. It’s now been 10 days since he left the house out of fear of pooping himself again. I’m not gonna say Haribo SUGAR FREE Classic Gummi Bears are the cure for the coronavirus, but it certainly helps slow down the spread.

Credit: Amazon/Selah

This was the day my life changed. I bought a bag of these delicious Satan snacks, and they took me back to the past. It took me back to the day Pompeii erupted, instead of lava there was hot brown liquid feces exploding out of what could be the black pit of hell. I was sitting on my toilet, sweaty AF, It felt like I was in a sana after drinking vegi free combucha while being punch in the gut by Arnold Schwarzenegger, the worst part was I didn’t have any toilet paper I questioned myself if I should use my dog to while my sweaty crack of hell, but I’d rather shoot him befor I put him through that hell like place…. all in all 10/10 great gift, would by again

As for the veracity of these reviews, we can only go by the verified purchasers and assume that they have no reason to lie, twist the truth, or otherwise embellish what seems like a pretty harrowing experience.

Credit: Amazon/Sebastian/Nicole P

And, look, there’s a theme here. We’re not gonna lie, so if toilet humour’s not your cup of tea, this might be a bit juvenile to you. If you’re okay with a good f**ken belly laugh and a poop joke, you’re going to enjoy these.

Credit: Amazon/Boo Berry

I thought the things people said about sugar free gummies were exaggerated… what a fool I was. I write this in the hopes that future generations will break the cycle and never have to live through what happened to me in the harrowing hours that were to come.

That night I lay awake in bed, sweating, farting profusely, and unable to sleep because I had to run to the bathroom every few minutes. The stench was incomparable to anything I had ever smelled before. It was like being anally raped in reverse.

To pass the time, I read the article about Hiroshima and Nagasaki on Wikipedia. Perhaps I felt a kinship with the victims of the attacks, because it was like a nuclear bomb had gone off in my bowels. If regular diarrhea is Fat Man and Little Boy, the effect of these villainous bears on my anus was Tsar Bomba.

At one point I recalled Marlon Brando’s monologue from Apocalypse Now, and suddenly I understood everything. If I saw my worst enemy approaching a bowl of these I would dive in front of it to save them from the horror of what I experienced on that black day. Woe betide anyone who fails to heed my warnings.

Final thought: At the end of this one, there’s only one thing left to do. Ask you blokes and blokettes what your experience with these deadly little b**tards is. If you’ve been smashed by the Haribo horrors, share your story in the Facebook comments section.

Just in case you missed it, here’s one of Ozzy’s latest commentary videos…Ozzy Man Reviews: When Animals Fight Back #7