Scientists find oldest human shark attack remains, over 3,000 years old!

Credit: Journal of Archaeological Science/BBC

Scientists find oldest human shark attack remains, over 3,000 years old!

Here at Ozzy Man Reviews, there are a few things we choose not to f**k with. Right at the top of that list are f**ken sharks. We know all the stats and all the figures about how they are at greater risk of us than we are of them, and we believe that fact, but we’re still acutely aware that they could munch us the f**k up. Yeah, nah, that whole, ‘they don’t really like the taste of humans and always spit them out’ line doesn’t fill us with confidence either.

Don’t get us wrong, we think sharks are beautiful from a distance, but just ask the guy in this story what it’s like to be a food item that a shark doesn’t like the taste of. Oh, you can’t, he’s f**ken d*ad. He also, according to science, constitutes the oldest remains of a shark attack victim ever found.

Credit: Journal of Archaeological Science

Apparently, this bloke’s skeleton is three-thousand years old and it still shows the signs of about seven-hundred-and-ninety shark inflicted wounds. Now, we’re not sure exactly whether that means he was gulped by a megalodon or whether some of those were inflicted when the shark pinched him off and dropped him back in the water, but it’s still a lot of damage.

Experts from the University of Oxford originally weren’t sure what had happened to him. Apparently, he was buried in a communal burial site, but he was super f**ked-up, and that flummoxed them. The remains were excavated from the Tsukumo site near Japan’s Seto Inland Sea and the injuries affected his arms, legs, chest and abdomen – so you know, basically all of him.

Credit: Journal of Archaeological Science

“We were initially flummoxed by what could have caused at least seven-hundred-and-ninety deep, serrated injuries to this man,” said researchers J. Alyssa White and Rick Schulting in a joint statement. “There were so many injuries and yet he was buried in the community burial ground, the Tsukumo Shell-mound cemetery site.”

Eventually, they said that “through a process of elimination, we ruled out human conflict and more commonly-reported animal predators or scavengers.” They reckon he was munched by a tiger shark or great white shark, which just goes to show that you should never swim in the ocean.

Credit: Journal of Archaeological Science

Schulting is f**ken stoked, though. “There are very few known examples of shark attacks in the archaeological record,” he told CNN, before adding that the earliest concrete example the team could find came from a late pre-Columbian site in Puerto Rico, dated to just before 1000 AD.

Apparently, he reckons, “the main reason that so few cases are known is simply because they were so rare. Even today, with so many more people in the world, only a handful of lethal shark attacks occur each year.”

Credit: BBC

Yeah, nah, he’s got a point. Still, though, they’re big scary b**tards and considering they ‘don’t like the taste of us’ they still don’t mind a bit of a f**ken chomp.

Final thought: Yeah, look, we kid. We do have a healthy respect for sharks, and they fact is that we butcher them by the millions while they occasionally have a go at us. They’re a hugely important part of the ecosystem, and they’re pretty rad creatures. If you see one, just get out of the f**ken water and you won’t end up like the skeleton in this story. We hope.

As you know, when a shark munches a bloke, it’s an honest mistake, so here’s one of Ozzy’s latest commentary videos…Ozzy Man Reviews: Honest Mistakes