The Bellyflop Championship is the best f*cken sport on the planet
Ooh yeah, ladies and gents, sheilas and wankers, how the f**k are ya? Hopefully you’re feeling like something of an armchair sportsman (or lady) (or whatever), because footage of the highly anticipated belly-flop championship is in. And I tell you what, it looks f**ken painful.
Before we get started, cast your mind back to the days when you were only as tall as a kookaburra’s cockles, and you were learning how to dive into the swimming pool. It was the dog days of summer – and here in Ozzyland, that means it was f**ken hot – and your old man was encouraging you to do that thing where you put your hands in front of your head and you just kinda lean forward like a duck diving for its dinner.
If you remember rightly, the one thing you wanted to avoid was the dreaded bellyflop, not only because it hurt like hell, but also because everyone else in the pool would be like, “What’s the matter with ya? Why’d ya f**ken bellyflop? Can’t ya dive properly ya little dickhead?” And you’d be like, “I’m only three, why don’t ya have another rumbo and f**k off Aunty Shaz!”
Anyway – as much as we all did everything we could to not land on our guts, these blokes have made a bloody sport of it. Check this sh*t out. This first bloke looks like he turned his little sister’s curtains into boardies and he’s got a look of focused intensity on his face. Considering they’ll be judged on running speed, jump height, jump length, acrobatics, degree of difficulty and tonnes of other sh*t, he knows he better not cock up this jump (which in and of itself is an intentional cock up of a ‘proper’ dive). Talk about meta!
Look at these blokes. They make this sh*t look good! They somehow blend the grace of a bloody mullet diving out of the water with the spectacular panache of a crippled goose. And it’s a legit comp. I tell you what though! Some of that sh*t looks pretty bloody difficult.
Do yourselves a favour and try this one at home, kids! It seems like a far better – and more promising – sport to get into than golf, that’s for sure!
Final thought: Fair respect to these b*stards. There’s unquestionably a level of talent involved in this that goes far beyond just a regular ‘I-f**ked-up-me-dive’ belly flop. The acrobatics are sh*t-hot and the intensity is a joy to watch. I’d buy a ticket to any championship held near me, that’s for sure!
Just in case you missed it, here’s one of Ozzy’s latest commentary videos…Ozzy Man & Mozza Review: French Outdoor Urinals