World’s First Oral Sex Robot Ready To Go After Hitting 500% Of Crowdfunding Target

The pursuit of self-gratification is a journey that takes any young boy through to adulthood under its burden. There aren’t many of us who haven’t experimented with the old ziplock bag full of raw chicken breasts between the couch cushions in search of a heightened climax. And whilst there is a plethora of pleasure-enhancing sex toys for men on the market, one major player has swooped in to leave the competition in its wake.

Meet the “Autoblow AI”. We thought Dyson were supposed to be the experts in suction. But after sales mounting 200,000 from the Autoblow 2, the dogged team at VIECI have gone back to the drawing board to bring men around the world a whole new realm of pleasure.

The CEO got his hands dirty researching for this one / Credit: VIECI

Inventor and former lawyer, Brian Sloan, sporting a magnificently seedy handlebar moustache said:

“We spent the last three years listening to feedback from our 200,000 Autoblow 2 owners and in response built a new machine that mechanically better replicates the gliding and friction combination of the mouth and hand that men experience during oral sex,”

Look at me, baby… / Credit: VIECI

Apparently ‘researchers’ spent a red-raw week trawling through some 6000 mins of varying-quality BJ action in order to plot and document everything from speed to mouth possie, to apparent suction, to ball tickling, the list goes on. But anyway, after a while they came up with 16 ‘styles’ of blowie including the ‘Pool Cleaner’, the ‘Gummy Shark’ and everyone’s favourite: the ‘Cheese Grater’.

This is how they should teach Stats at Uni! / Credit: VIECI

Imagine the look on the new intern’s face when he rocked up for his first day for the ‘Analytics’ role!

“By using artificial intelligence to, for the first time, understand the mechanics of blowjobs, we discovered and replicated techniques that make using our machine feel less robotic and more human.”

Men of the world have backed the new project which has now made 5 times as much as necessary on Indigogo. Get your orders in, they start shipping next May! You beaut!

Final thought: I reckon I would have canvassed an extra few hours of action just to be sure there wasn’t an overlooked 17th technique made famous through the maverick Danish underground scene. Also, check out the concentration on the face of the bloke doing the sums in the clip below!

While you’re at it, also have a gander at the latest Destination F*cked Action!